This exercise is hard for me to get behind. I don't do things just for payoffs or rewards. Overachievement does more harm to the world than good. Sobriety isn't just an achieved accomplishment. It's a slow natural change, for which no one needs to take credit. People call me a survivor. But, is that really about me?Incentives are important. But, I don't like bribing my ego? It's a trap to expect rewards for anything, even for a sense of completion. That's not satisfying. I find it hard to expect much of anything at all. I'm rarely disappointed, and change is often just what happens. We don't always need to be taking credit for success. It's easier to want little to nothing, enjoying each and every day. Reward systems and payoffs are often a real problem. I only want to do things for their own sake. And I don't want to look back with satisfaction on my accomplishments. The work of survival is it's own reward. And accomplishments for their own sake are uninteresting compared to the joy of living, which just happens.
Everyone has probably had those childish moments where we say, "WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD?" And afterwards we often say, "That wasn't so bad, why did I think it would be so difficult?" But now, satiety demands that we walk away from our achievements and start over fresh, without any illusions of progress having achieved something.
Case in point: the last thing I want is from this wellness program is self satisfaction. It's merely another point of departure for which I will be grateful. But I will owe nothing to myself or anyone else for what nature demands of me relentlessly. That's not why I'm here. Sobriety can be its own reward and no accomplishments have to clutter up the timeline. This to me seems a little like busy work. I hope I'm wrong. Occasionally, I am going to have to go back to the beginning and say, "I don't understand what I'm being asked to do here." I get better results if I don't play the game of scoring accomplishments. I never ask, "Why is this happening to me." Bad things happen to good people all the time. Rather, credit for good things in my life goes to sweet providence. That way I don't get bogged down in a bloated sense of achievement, nor do I blame the universe for life's hardships.
