Applied Spiritual Technologies & Religious Engineering 2.01

                       When was the last time you felt real joy? Emotional relations have several layers of contact. We all do dream together. Let's explore how we make dreams happen:

                        1.) At the core of all Inter Relations, we have the Unity of Self; This external boundary defines our discreet distinctiveness as individuals, exclusive from all that is the other. (Or Others, if you prefer. All "Others" are also independently discreet Selfs.) Our contact with the outside world is this most primary of all contacts. (It's speculated that emotional bonding {Including inter-species } is in no way limited to Human Relations only.)

                        2.) Next we have Familiarity; where most of our close ongoing daily social interactions happen. This usually includes close Family, Job Mates and even Roommates when we see each other very routinely. Familiarity can breed contempt. But much of the stress can be caused simply by Too Much Information, (Overexposure and Saturation) and of course shared mutual Experience. (Be it good experience or bad experience.) This is where we first learn to be unconsciously co-dependent and/or dysfunctionally helpless. Affections rising to this level of connectivity are very vulnerable to broken trusts and/or failed communications. "We only hate the ones we love." We are often much more inclined to tolerate a family members behaviors when we think it is necessary or unavoidable. The most profound and potentially grievous feelings of familial affection and loss, usually stem from our emotionally real familiarity.

                         3.) Wrapping around us is our next area of exposure is just general Intimacy. In an Extended Community or Functional Fellowship and even in Large Groups, people can know and trust you personally without unnecessary dependencies. We can include teachers, barbers and doctors, trainers, therapists, even certain neighbors, occasional some clergy and even our most beloved shop keepers. "Friendly but never overly Familiar!" All the while in fact we are all casually grooming each other while supporting each others need fulfillment in society . In our casually intimate mutual support, we provide each other helpful feedback (Debriefing) that we can't get in no other ways. Intimates know you well and trust you without being dependent on you in any direct way. Many of our most functional relations are of this third type of contact. We must include people who can influence us while minding their own business. Just like good teachers or therapists, anyone can become a casual Confidant. This level of understanding between intimates often exceeds that of routine familiars, and sometimes can even include significant emotional affairs. Casual intimacies can occur between strangers even upon first meeting. This is why emotional affairs are so difficult to maintain without a respectfully discreet polite detachment. And even then most long distance affairs need to survive beyond that distant friend zone. Intimates can make the best friends, but often we are much more approachable than a friend might necessarily be. Intimates don't always have to have that much in common with a mutually trusted confidant. These larger social contexts for interaction can be clannish, with heavily segmented social codes and in and out groups. (However clannishness usually accelerates the breakdown of trusts and loyalty.)

                          4.) Sheltering our fertile zones for temporary Intimacies, are our true Friends. Friends will usually take on a long term flavor that steeps in the radiance of the other three previous "Spheres of Emotional Influence." Many of these layers of bonding can overlap and intersect with other, creating significant complex relationships. Friends can grow into family, occasionally family can be our best friend. Friends don't need to see each other all the time, we can always pick up where we left off. Friends generally don't share the same degree of personal data we might share out of necessity with an intimate or family member. Nor do we need report all the shared day to day experiences familiarly with our closest friends. The differences in the shared specifics we share are often simply because, "There is never enough time to visit." So the pressure to say everything is not there any more between friends, as much as it is for any of the other layers of regular contact. True friendship is the most dispassionate and excepting of all the other planes of emotional contact and thus help to hold together all the other social frames over time. (Jealousies are usually a symptom of a fear of abandonment.)

                          Now obviously this is just a primer on mutual dreaming amongst social bonds. "All relations are transitional," and we can change relative positions. I've intentional left out, "Those whom we love to hate" because they have nothing to do with healthy dis-objectified sensitive connections, which are usually dysfunctional at some level.

Confident Re-bonding; Or How To Be More Honest About Your Lying

                Being fair, sensitized and authentic all at the same time is a matter of grace not to be taken lightly. When we are Re-bonding with someone, we need to be as honest as we can without being pathetic. There are necessary limits. We all have kept our secrets to ourselves to varying degrees. Sometimes it's those little white lies we've told, while intending not to offend. Re-bonding however requires honest open sensitivity. But we still can lie in little ways until we need to take inventory and do the math. Can you know when you can drop the defenses and tell the whole truth again? {I myself have a secret that would ruin the chances for most long term love affairs were I to lie about it.}

                Such evasions can actually become destructively dysfunctional excuses? Or even worse, out of control addictions? Honesty is in fact always the best policy. But keeping our problems to ourselves isn't necessarily the problem. We need to know how and when to lie. And to whom, and why. (My mom once said to me when I was a teen, "If a policeman asks you if you smoke muggles, What do you say?" She said, "You would have to lie of course." It was in the "60's". And I did smoke very heavily.) I don't even like to use the slang for "Muggles" over the web. Great Grandmother Google reads everything I blog and she pointedly rewards me with disturbing ads specific to whatever I write.

                There is no one absolute universal honesty that is always fair, safe or even considerate. I'm not advocating for lying at all. But people often resent too much honest information. {T. M. I.} Even when a problem isn't critically important, society often stresses that we keep secrets from each other whatever they may be. In the Courts, in business negotiations, with our families; Unless otherwise specified, people often prefer that you keep your problems to yourselves. And that you not be transparently honest. Yet, this is a very weak place to come from, if and when we want to build real trust and good faith with someone willing to listen. Re-bonding is something you should not try to fake. Very bad karma comes from spacing out opportunities to be honest and trustworthy. Let others decide what they want to know about, and then go from there only one step at a time. Do not rush re-bonding. the real difficulty comes from being honest enough to let others say no to us and exercise their right of refusal when it comes to Re-bonding. Make sure your loved ones have a chance to accept you for yourself complete with where you are at that moment. Otherwise, love enough to respect their Confident Un-bonding.

                 But we were all taught to lie, especially about important things. We must all ultimately be able to negotiate using honest self disclosure. Censorship, mockery and harassment all add to our burdens of silence and isolation. Our human instincts for evasion and The Psychology of Mind form our conscious and unconscious habits for deception, omission or over-compartmentalization. Often we can acquire affectations of false pathos. We often will portray only that which we feel others are supposed to want hear, see, think, feel or believe.  Only saying what we think others want to hear, and nothing more. Love is not a business. Why approach reconciliation like corrupt used car salesmen passing shabby merchandize?

                 1.) This can be an out right lie like; "I did not eat that cookie." (Crunch, crunch.)

                 2.) Or it's a matter of routine neglect like; "I meant to call you, but you know I'm always busy." Often true, but still a major omission of the whole truth. (What else are you not telling me?)

                 3.) Another common False Affectation is the Put Down, or Condescension; "Why do I even bother?" Etc, etc, etc, etc.......

                 $.) My favorite Style of Evasion is probably the most socially acceptable, though no less omissive. It's Over-Compartmentalization; "I don't want to bother other people with my (Real) problems. I'm OK, really I am." (Famous last words often uttered moments before grizzly deaths usually due to burnout and depressive heartbreak.)

                 This is why I advocate being as close to the truth as possible at all times. If we want to make up with someone, we need to be on stable secure footing when reconciling broken trust. But when we need to be honest, we have to respect others right of refusal and not try to force a meeting. Never placate. Compromise is never fully honest or trusting. Truces only happen between bad governments. Detente is bad for business and especially hazardous for love. You can't fake sincerity or acceptance indefinitely. Never pander to anyone or placate other people, make sure you are being forthcoming with your own limitations. You can't say yes and mean it, unless you can always say no with conviction. Thank you. You want people to have their own free thoughts and feelings, Say what it is that you demand from yourself. "ENGAGE THE CRITIQUE." If someone is hurting your feelings, say ouch! Do not feel forced to agree with anything or anyone prematurely. Don't require others to concede anything, ever. Let people make up their own minds about everything. Never argue, but merely politely disagree. Give yourself room to fail. Don't assume. Be prepared to accept no as the correct answer. And then watch how much easier it is to communicate when you are only hoping for the best but are still realistically prepared for the worst. This openly Confident Re-Bonding builds confidence regardless of outcome, making for the most supportive environment.

                  I also feel this is true of our corrupted national politics and the healing of our divided nation. Do not force capitulation. Conflict is only necessary as a final option. If people are hurting you, or others close to you or even in principle only, always say "OUCH." You don't want to hurt anyone. Try to avoid letting others hurt you.