Confident Re-bonding; Or How To Be More Honest About Your Lying

                Being fair, sensitized and authentic all at the same time is a matter of grace not to be taken lightly. When we are Re-bonding with someone, we need to be as honest as we can without being pathetic. There are necessary limits. We all have kept our secrets to ourselves to varying degrees. Sometimes it's those little white lies we've told, while intending not to offend. Re-bonding however requires honest open sensitivity. But we still can lie in little ways until we need to take inventory and do the math. Can you know when you can drop the defenses and tell the whole truth again? {I myself have a secret that would ruin the chances for most long term love affairs were I to lie about it.}

                Such evasions can actually become destructively dysfunctional excuses? Or even worse, out of control addictions? Honesty is in fact always the best policy. But keeping our problems to ourselves isn't necessarily the problem. We need to know how and when to lie. And to whom, and why. (My mom once said to me when I was a teen, "If a policeman asks you if you smoke muggles, What do you say?" She said, "You would have to lie of course." It was in the "60's". And I did smoke very heavily.) I don't even like to use the slang for "Muggles" over the web. Great Grandmother Google reads everything I blog and she pointedly rewards me with disturbing ads specific to whatever I write.

                There is no one absolute universal honesty that is always fair, safe or even considerate. I'm not advocating for lying at all. But people often resent too much honest information. {T. M. I.} Even when a problem isn't critically important, society often stresses that we keep secrets from each other whatever they may be. In the Courts, in business negotiations, with our families; Unless otherwise specified, people often prefer that you keep your problems to yourselves. And that you not be transparently honest. Yet, this is a very weak place to come from, if and when we want to build real trust and good faith with someone willing to listen. Re-bonding is something you should not try to fake. Very bad karma comes from spacing out opportunities to be honest and trustworthy. Let others decide what they want to know about, and then go from there only one step at a time. Do not rush re-bonding. the real difficulty comes from being honest enough to let others say no to us and exercise their right of refusal when it comes to Re-bonding. Make sure your loved ones have a chance to accept you for yourself complete with where you are at that moment. Otherwise, love enough to respect their Confident Un-bonding.

                 But we were all taught to lie, especially about important things. We must all ultimately be able to negotiate using honest self disclosure. Censorship, mockery and harassment all add to our burdens of silence and isolation. Our human instincts for evasion and The Psychology of Mind form our conscious and unconscious habits for deception, omission or over-compartmentalization. Often we can acquire affectations of false pathos. We often will portray only that which we feel others are supposed to want hear, see, think, feel or believe.  Only saying what we think others want to hear, and nothing more. Love is not a business. Why approach reconciliation like corrupt used car salesmen passing shabby merchandize?

                 1.) This can be an out right lie like; "I did not eat that cookie." (Crunch, crunch.)

                 2.) Or it's a matter of routine neglect like; "I meant to call you, but you know I'm always busy." Often true, but still a major omission of the whole truth. (What else are you not telling me?)

                 3.) Another common False Affectation is the Put Down, or Condescension; "Why do I even bother?" Etc, etc, etc, etc.......

                 $.) My favorite Style of Evasion is probably the most socially acceptable, though no less omissive. It's Over-Compartmentalization; "I don't want to bother other people with my (Real) problems. I'm OK, really I am." (Famous last words often uttered moments before grizzly deaths usually due to burnout and depressive heartbreak.)

                 This is why I advocate being as close to the truth as possible at all times. If we want to make up with someone, we need to be on stable secure footing when reconciling broken trust. But when we need to be honest, we have to respect others right of refusal and not try to force a meeting. Never placate. Compromise is never fully honest or trusting. Truces only happen between bad governments. Detente is bad for business and especially hazardous for love. You can't fake sincerity or acceptance indefinitely. Never pander to anyone or placate other people, make sure you are being forthcoming with your own limitations. You can't say yes and mean it, unless you can always say no with conviction. Thank you. You want people to have their own free thoughts and feelings, Say what it is that you demand from yourself. "ENGAGE THE CRITIQUE." If someone is hurting your feelings, say ouch! Do not feel forced to agree with anything or anyone prematurely. Don't require others to concede anything, ever. Let people make up their own minds about everything. Never argue, but merely politely disagree. Give yourself room to fail. Don't assume. Be prepared to accept no as the correct answer. And then watch how much easier it is to communicate when you are only hoping for the best but are still realistically prepared for the worst. This openly Confident Re-Bonding builds confidence regardless of outcome, making for the most supportive environment.

                  I also feel this is true of our corrupted national politics and the healing of our divided nation. Do not force capitulation. Conflict is only necessary as a final option. If people are hurting you, or others close to you or even in principle only, always say "OUCH." You don't want to hurt anyone. Try to avoid letting others hurt you.