Confidence building is easy to do, but most of you are going to fight me on this one. Most of the most aggressive people I know think they are already confident and don't need to relax and trust anyone. Others of us believe we wont be liked if we risk being open and direct. Different "Evasions," opposite "Biases," same boundary / barrier definitions from opposite excuses.
Selective Desensitization is well known for the treatment of anxiety disorders. There are many ways to approach these sensitive boundaries. Start simply. Read out loud to yourself, alone. Prayer and chanting can also free up vocalizing, but sometimes people are too accustomed to the routine to notice shifting confidence levels. Another even better "Voice Training" is turning up the radio loud and singing, (preferably alone.) Please, don't just sit there and read this, skipping this part of your homework. I know most of you are probably not doing the recommended reading, that's understandable but sad . This however is even more important, but you can do both at the same time. Try singing out loud what you are reading. I can hear you coming up with excuses like "I'm already confident" or "I don't see what good it's going to do, or I can't sing anyway." Do either of those denials sound like what a real bold out there confident person would say? If you want to be able to influence people you must project. Confidence does not come from assumptions about yourself. Building confidence is an experience. Not a denial, or an evasion.
Being able to follow simple instructions is in fact this most important confidence building exercise you will ever do. As we will be mapping for influence, we will want to be able to communicate. This process will involve taking directions and giving directions. People will want to feel your power to communicate. "YOUR" power to communicate. From you to other people. Strong people often think assertiveness is supposed to be aggressive, and so they never learn to be relaxed when asserting themselves, thinking that being relaxed is just weak. People who think they are weak also believe that assertiveness is supposed to be aggressive and therefore they also try to avoid it. This means that most people are terrible at assertiveness, and suffer horribly for their pride. Pride is not confidence. Sorry. There is such a thing as healthy pride but it is never aggressive. Aggression is the domain of cowards and bullies. We are trying to learn how to be confident and influential, not arrogant or sheepish.
Many of the worst cases of anxiety disorders I have ever had to treat were in bullies. But just like any type of conditioning we have fuel. Motivations are that fuel. You find your voice by feeding your voice. Have a long talk with yourself, listen to yourself. Start small. Work up progressively to slightly more challenging discussions with yourself. You don't have to always agree with yourself. Have it out. In fact as you get more comfortable with taking both sides of an argument others will be less able to provoke you. That's real confidence. It takes some practice. I'm recommending "Assertiveness Training." I don't remember the authors names, I'll try to look it up and update this post.
Three wonderful assertiveness skills are, "Never refuse criticism!" "Always give fair warning!" And always be prepared to say, "I DON'T KNOW." This blows people away every time when you have the confidence to tell the truth and remain unaffected. It does take practice. But most people are so relieved when we out grow those absurd pretenses of authority and objectivity. Just taking responsibility for these few things makes our lives so much easier. The reason that being able accept criticism is so powerful is confidence. When someone says your an idiot, try agreeing with them. And ask them why do they think that. Mind that it wont work all the time but it can clear the air fast. If the critique is valid great, if not great. You Are Going To Be Confident! Don't take my word for it. You will Know when someone is speaking the language of affirmation. Assertions are always affirmative, don't get trapped by denials. (This coming from a human lie detector.) Find your voice. I know you can do this.
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